For the past month or so my life has been all over the place. I feel like I continue to rant about this but it's true and I'm still trying to deal with it all. I'm out in Wasa right now at the new cabin. I've been here for almost a week again and it's going alright. It's very pretty but at times and all too often I feel like a single mom juggling way to much of an unorganized mess! That being said, I feel like momzilla pretty often too. My patience took off a while ago and I have been struggling to reclaim it. Praying to get it back. My energy feels zapped all the time and I just SO badly want to establish my life/ our lives as a family in a space and routine again. Is that so much to ask? It probably is... at least for a little longer.
We have been so blessed and I can't forget to share that. The fact that we can live in Grandma's house while Jason is in school, for free is SUCH a blessing. I can't think of another option that would have worked the way this will for us. To have a yard for the girls, more space for our family (we were in less then 900 sq. feet before) not having to lug my little girls up three flights of stairs anymore will be wonderful (my poor back!). I would sometimes get a migraine if I strained myself. I really have a lot to be excited about and maybe that's why I'm writing this post. I'm just all to anxious to have a "home" again.
Back to the "momzilla" stuff. Last night Alivia just stayed awake and cried and cried off an on until almost 4 am. It was brutal. I was crying and was actually feeling mad/ angry and upset. I just NEEDED her to stop crying. I even told Jason I don't want anymore kids. And I was serious.
Poor girl though. Since she was a newborn our lives have been a flip floppin, unorganized and busy mess. I never feel like she can be content with much because she's been dragged in every which way all over the place. And with that being said she does do pretty well with it all. The other night she cried for almost 2 hours before bed. Other than that she goes down very well and sleeps pretty well too. She is just sensitive and I only wish I could see her happier.
Jason thinks I'm crazy but I read The Sullenger's blog and another blog that belong to mother's who have lost their children. I don't know why but I read them all the time and they make me very emotional. I cry my eyes out sometimes just thinking about how much pain they feel and have felt. I can't and DON'T EVER want to know what a battle that would be to have had your child die in your arms after fighting for their lives.
They constantly write posts about trying to remember all the moments they've had with their little girls. How they wish they could relive every second they had with them. How they would never have taken any moment for granted if they had their time back.
It dawned on me tonight that maybe I read these blogs to help remind me/ keep me in check as a mother. All I want to do after reading their blogs is grab my girls and hug them, hold them, kiss them and tell them how much they mean to me without letting go. I love my girls and love that I'm a mother to them, and that they are healthy and happy. I can't ask for more in that respect. I do like to know and read about these mother's and their lives and how they are coping but they really do allow me to feel and be reminded of how incredibly lucky and blessed I am. I could go on and on with how blessed I am and how much they have enriched my life and changed me for the better. So has Jason :)
SO yes life is crazy but I don't want to look back and think I took these moments for granted.
We have been so blessed and I can't forget to share that. The fact that we can live in Grandma's house while Jason is in school, for free is SUCH a blessing. I can't think of another option that would have worked the way this will for us. To have a yard for the girls, more space for our family (we were in less then 900 sq. feet before) not having to lug my little girls up three flights of stairs anymore will be wonderful (my poor back!). I would sometimes get a migraine if I strained myself. I really have a lot to be excited about and maybe that's why I'm writing this post. I'm just all to anxious to have a "home" again.
Back to the "momzilla" stuff. Last night Alivia just stayed awake and cried and cried off an on until almost 4 am. It was brutal. I was crying and was actually feeling mad/ angry and upset. I just NEEDED her to stop crying. I even told Jason I don't want anymore kids. And I was serious.
Poor girl though. Since she was a newborn our lives have been a flip floppin, unorganized and busy mess. I never feel like she can be content with much because she's been dragged in every which way all over the place. And with that being said she does do pretty well with it all. The other night she cried for almost 2 hours before bed. Other than that she goes down very well and sleeps pretty well too. She is just sensitive and I only wish I could see her happier.
Jason thinks I'm crazy but I read The Sullenger's blog and another blog that belong to mother's who have lost their children. I don't know why but I read them all the time and they make me very emotional. I cry my eyes out sometimes just thinking about how much pain they feel and have felt. I can't and DON'T EVER want to know what a battle that would be to have had your child die in your arms after fighting for their lives.
They constantly write posts about trying to remember all the moments they've had with their little girls. How they wish they could relive every second they had with them. How they would never have taken any moment for granted if they had their time back.
It dawned on me tonight that maybe I read these blogs to help remind me/ keep me in check as a mother. All I want to do after reading their blogs is grab my girls and hug them, hold them, kiss them and tell them how much they mean to me without letting go. I love my girls and love that I'm a mother to them, and that they are healthy and happy. I can't ask for more in that respect. I do like to know and read about these mother's and their lives and how they are coping but they really do allow me to feel and be reminded of how incredibly lucky and blessed I am. I could go on and on with how blessed I am and how much they have enriched my life and changed me for the better. So has Jason :)
SO yes life is crazy but I don't want to look back and think I took these moments for granted.
3 comments:
I often have to do that as well as I can act very ungrateful in times of stress. I often need reality checks to keep me humble.
It's good that you share these moments of honesty because you never know when someone else might be having a bad day and feel like they're the only ones. It's a TOUGH job being a mom, and it's impossible to be upbeat all day long!
Although I may not have a toddler, I understand the rest...why must babies be so sensitive? ;P It's a good thing they're so darn cute when they are happy.
I think I've made the same threat to Dave about not wanting anymore kids (not including the one I'm pregnant with obviously). I totally get the single parent feeling at times. Our poor husbands are pulled in so many directions and have such a huge responsibility on their shoulders that they just work themselves to the ground to provide for their little families. We do too of course, we just don't get paid for it :) Keep going, you might not think you're doing very well with all of the chaos but you SO are! I'm so impressed, seriously.
I just have to say I think you are a wonderful Mama...that is all.
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